Often our hearts become downtrodden, we become engulfed in the hopelessness that sometimes ceases us in this life. We begin thinking of all the things we want that we don't yet have, and how our life would be so much better if only we had them. Some call it depression, some medicate the hopelessness and hope the longing will cease, but out of this, out of the dead of winter buds new life. In these chilly seasons of our lives we wake each day wondering what we are doing, where we are going, and if we are even moving forward. I used to remind myself that everything I was experiencing, every job, every person, every failure and even my successes were all leading me to the next thing. How I handled those situations was basically me choosing which road to go down.

As a person who has forgotten that as of late, I am writing this as a gentle reminder. That all is not lost. That I must keep waking up each day and do something with it. That I must not look regretfully on the past, or too longingly on the future. I must remember that living in the moment is one of the most daunting tasks we face, and that (even if I'm not living the moment as perfectly as I would like) I must live it.

the gifts we're given

If each believer is gifted with something from God do you ever wonder what, with that gift, is their "un-gift". The thing that they struggle with the most?

There are teachers, and counselors, and encouragers and more. Each with their gift to build up the whole of them. A teacher speaks and practices what he preaches, a counselor listens and speaks only few words of wisdom, and an encourager shines his light upon the weary.

So perhaps an encourager has a hard time turning the light back around on himself, and a teacher isn't the best listener, and a counselor, though good at listening and giving advice, may not be the best at listening to their own.

Then the teacher needs the counselor, to listen and to remind them to do the same. And the counselor needs the teacher, to speak more than just words of wisdom, but also to tell a long story to build the counselors inquisition. And the encourager needs them both for the very gift the encourager has been given.

They all possess their own gift, and are in need of that of their friend.

They all need each other to use their own gift, these gifts that never stop giving.

This just comes from the thought that I feel my gift is not that of being a good listener.

If I were to make a new years resolution, it would be to simply listen more and turn the conversation around to others. To do that for a year and see what I learn. Perhaps it will be profound, perhaps not, but if ever I were to make a new years resolution, I believe that "to listen" is a simple thing that could alter a life and widen a heart.

Today I went to the Tiffany's on 5th Ave to pick up my engagement ring. I took it there for cleaning and to get a prong repaired. When I left I decided not to go right back to the subway but to walk for a bit. Get some fresh air. I paused in front of the next subway stop, not wanting to walk anymore, and not wanting to get on just yet, simply not knowing what to do with myself (the story of my life lately).

So I leaned up against a store front and watched the people. So many people. The cab driver who hit the girl on the bike and then yelled nasty things to her for being in the way. The tourists soaking up every moment. The suites, the shopping bags, the street vendors, anger, fear, loneliness, awe, joy and everything in between. Then looking further I saw a massive church across 5th Avenue. I decided it had been a long time since I'd been inside a church alone, or since I'd really stopped and talked to God...

So I went.

and I sat.

The second I got inside I felt my eyes welling up.

Looking at the few souls sitting inside. Quiet.

I was flooded with emotion. I was reminded of my humanity.

I've never been a very religious person, in the sense that I've always felt like an outcast in religious settings. Like I didn't "belong". But regardless of that, walking into a church was like visiting an old friend. One who's been with me through hard times. It was as though walking into that church was sitting with a friend who knew everything about me, and who still loved me. And when this friend saw me for the first time in a long time, they smiled and we allowed silence to say all the things we'd been meaning to say.

Thank you. I love you.

I know it's hard and confusing but press on brave soul.

I will be the first person to say that God isn't trapped inside a building. Yet, my experience today reminded me that humans use symbols and that holds power for us.

A ring means "I commit myself to you"

A flower says "you are dear to me"

A kiss on the forehead says "I will love you forever"

And sitting alone in a church says "You are not alone"

Sometimes, no matter how hard you work, no matter how responsible you try to be, something falls through the cracks. You miss an event, you're late, something just doesn't go as planned. Sometimes the repercussions for your one screw up are serious, as in you get fired or told how irresponsible you are. And in that moment the person that said that was right.... in that moment. It isn't an overall reflection of how you are, just a single mess up, and a minor one at that. It's not as though you killed someone or broke a law. You simply forgot an event or meeting and that's what happened. I missed an event for a company I JUST got hired on to work for. It's just a catering company. Another sub-par job to support myself while living in this city. I suppose, deep down, I didn't really want the job. I was in no way excited to begin working for catering company number 2. So maybe it was my subconscious just saying "whoa there, let's not kill yourself with jobs."

I think I am the most afraid to take the first step. With anything. I think lots of people are. The first day of school, the first dance class back in a while, the first rehearsal. All those things can be pretty overwhelming, but until you take that first step you aren't able to discern if it's wonderful or just something you're glad you at least gave a chance.

It's even more difficult when you don't have a set schedule as to what to do and where to be. We go from living 20 years or so with a school schedule and then if you don't get a 9-5 right after you graduate, then you are left to being responsible for and to yourself. This is rarely enough motivation for me to push forward. However, I know that I should. Knowing and doing are two very different things.

Moral of the story, my apologies go out to the catering company that I was supposed to work for today. I desperately hope that it didn't cause to much harm for the lady in charge of staffing.

xoxo Cassie

what are we chasing?

Ya know, it hasn't been until lately, or the past few years rather, that I've been able to see the world for what it is, for what it's moving towards.  The pursuit of money, power, fame, or even just false security in these things.  It seems as though we are pursuing these, hoping that they will somehow give us love and security. Most people are either battling a love of money and success, or have already given in to it.  This world seems to speak the language of money more fluently than anything else.  I know this is a big "duh" but it is still so baffling and wearisome.

 

I feel so frustrated, so often, because I am constantly taking one step forward and two steps back.  The second I get on my feet again it seems as though something knocks me down or keeps me from moving forward.  I have to practically force myself to LISTEN in the quietness to the small truths I've taken so long to learn.  Simple truths like "love yourself, no matter what, your value is deep" or "relationships with God and with others are where you will find meaning" and "security should be found in God not in things of this world"....

This is the result of me being off my feet and stuck in my room for the past two days.  I don't handle injuries well, it freaks me out to be quite honest.  What if I can't dance? Can't do my job? Have to spend way to much money to see a doctor?  Then what?  This is the result of me thinking and worrying and placing my hope and trust in things that aren't lasting.

So this is a reminder for myself that God will provide in easy and tough times.  So Chill Out.

Yes, Chill Out indeed.

Also, my job is going really good.  I'm learning to dance in heels, and that dancing in heels can be painful.  Being in Atlantic City is... different.  Living in a Casino... very different.  Having a gigantic bed to sleep in every night? love it.  Performing for a really huge audience every night? Love it.  Injuring my foot on the 5th show in?  not so cool.  Prayers needed in that area. 

Two funny stories about opening night:  first of all, i get wheeled out on a school desk and I am just wearing a towel (or that's what it looks like) and when Simon (the male singer who wheels me out) takes his hands off the back of the desk, both the desk and I topple forward and I fall on my butt.  I had one of those "oh shit" moments for about .2 seconds, and then (thank you improv) I played it off, pretending to cry and get upset.  The audience laughed and thought it was supposed to be that way as did the other guys onstage.  Classic moment indeed.  That gets added to my theatrical oh shit moments as well as the School House Rock dance fiasco and when Lindsey Magid's wig fell off in The Women.  All hilarious and terrifying.  

The same night, right in the front row is the best audience member ever.  This woman was basically standing in the front row and danced through the entire show.  If she wasn't standing she was sitting on the edge of her seat with her hands groovin'.  lol, good thing it's that kind of show.  She made my night.

Well that's all, I hope everyone is great!

xoxo from Atlantic City

Because My Sister Said So

So, as requested by my wonderful sister so that she could keep up with the madness that is my life, the blogging begins. I've actually been going crazy the past four weeks because I haven't been journaling, so this will be a nice alternative to pen and paper. Mostly because it doesn't make my hand as tired... lazy, I know.
So from Oklahoma to Tampa, Tampa back to Oklahoma (with the addition of a pretty fantastic guy) and then to NYC, my life has been all over the place the past few years. I basically had everything planned out until this point. I knew I was going to go to collge, preferably somewhere out of state. I knew I was going to move to NYC eventually after college (or atleast desperately hoped that would happen), and I knew I wanted to make my duckets by singing and dancing (that's where the part about me being Nuts comes in). But once I got to NYC, I had NO idea what was going to happen. nd let's be honest there have been less than pleasant nights where I've gotten pretty worried and sad etc... because I felt like I was NUTS for doing this.
The really frustrating part comes when I try to apply for a job... or ANYTHING that doesn't involve singing/dancing/theatre, cause well, let be honest, I'm just... well, not qualified. (But in my defense I'm a quick learner).
example #1: I walked into a restaraunt yesterday and said "Hi, are you hiring" and he said, "Sure, just give me your name and number" Then the manager piped in in his NY accent and said "Wher'd you wherk before" and I said "In a restaraunt in Oklahoma" and he just laughed and said "Well, I'ts a different wo'ld up here missy"...... people suck.

On a happy note! Ive been in the city just about a month now and have experience a multitude of awesome things. Let's cover a few:

-Awesome Thing # 1: My first audition was for the Broadway Show, The Little Mermaid, just a dancer call, but they actually saw the non-equity people. It was great fun and I couldn't stop smiling by the end of it!

-# 2: (more funny than awesome) I regressed back to my cheerleading days and was invited to audition for a Pontiac NCAA commercial... we had to make up a cheer with a partner... when I walked into the room there were a bunch of girls in cheer uniforms, tiny cheer shorts with mid-drifts showing annnnd I basically just wanted to leave. It's not that I didn't enjoy that part of my life, but it's over and that's truly for the best. Trust me. BUT the stupid commercial would have paid 1200 bucks, so knowing that I gladly tucked my pride away and cheered my little heart out (cheesy smile and spirit fingers included). I didn't get that job. It's like they could smell the "ugh" on me.

-# 3: Then there is this awesome place where you can pay ONE time and for a month you get live concerts, hip hop dancing/break dancing, ethnic music, free rides, and people preaching the good news of Jesus.* That's right, the Subway. Now the down side of this magical place is the smell of urine, walking past people and not knowing if they're dead or sleeping andpeople constantly asking you for money (I'm a softy and I give when my heart says so, and I wish I could everytime, but I would go broke). And then there's something that can only be SEEN in the NYC Subway (drum roll please) germs. That's right SEEN. You heard it here first.

*I actually love these people. They have MUCH bigger... well you know, they are much braver than me. True story.

-Awesome thing # 4, after about 3 weeks of auditioning I made it into a show! My first post-college, professional gig :) The audition experience was great (loooong, but great) and the people casting and producing the show are SO nice! I sang first and they kept me for call backs that day, and then again for the next day. The next day was also the dancer call, so I figured there'd be no harm in dancing, so I did. After the dance call they chose 3 of us and they asked me to be a dancer AND a singer in the show! I was STOKED! And will be starting rehearsals for Celebration of 60's on March 22. The show runs in Atlantic City at the Tropicana Showroom from April 13th through June 8th! YAY!





Well, that's all for now. Peace and love from Washington Heights!